My Journey with Intuitive Eating and Joyful Movement

The Beginning of my Journey to Food Freedom

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About a year and a half ago, I was sitting in my therapist’s office, crying. That doesn’t seem too out of the ordinary, right? Someone in therapy crying about something. However, that “something” was a thing that would mark a huge shift in my life. It’s not just because it was the week before Covid hit. I was crying because I had just the week before had my body fat and lean muscle mass measured at my gym and my body was still breaking down my muscle tissue. And my body fat percentage had gone UP by like half a percent. It was the end of my world. Never mind that I was barely eating enough food to sustain a young child, I was feeding a baby with my body. I was breastfeeding my third baby, working out in the gym 6 days a week, and running 3-4 days a week. So yes, that means I was doubling up on workouts. I was so lean, you could see all my muscles. But in all reality, I was NOT healthy. I was on the border of having an eating disorder. I felt like nothing I could do was good enough. I had exercised and followed a mostly sugar free, paleo diet throughout my third pregnancy. I gained minimal weight during pregnancy and I weighed less a week after having my son than I had weighed since college. My pride was in that number on the scale. It didn’t matter that I almost blew out my knees and that I likely had nutritional deficiencies from breastfeeding and working out so much but not eating nearly enough. Nothing was good enough. 

I’m very open about my faith, and that was a huge component of how I knew I needed to make changes. The Sunday before the quarantine happened, (the last Sunday I was physically in a church building), I heard God tell me that I needed to rest. Not just mentally or spiritually, but physically. He revealed to me that instead of worshipping Him and being a good steward of the body He gave me, I was worshipping this ideal body that I was willing to sacrifice all my time and energy on trying to achieve. Little did I know what was coming with the Covid quarantine. I would love to say that after that day, I immediately listened, gave up dieting and took more rest days. But my healing didn’t happen that quickly. The beginning was a struggle. Part of me just couldn’t believe that it would be “healthy” to stop exercising as much and eat more food. No, my journey started quite simply. My first two steps were that I deleted the My Fitness Pal app, and I reached out to a faith based dietitian who helped me with learning intuitive eating. 

It may sound weird that I would say it was healthy for me to stop counting macros and to eat more. In fact, the only reason I think most people seemed “okay” with me doing something like quitting macros and taking time off exercise is because I was beginning to look “underweight”. However, I learned through this process that even if I had been in a larger body, the obsessive behaviors I had developed were not healthy. If you are reading this and you are in a larger body, I acknowledge that as a smaller bodied person, I have never experienced the weight stigma that larger bodied people face in society, in the fitness world, and the medical community. I want you to know that you are just as worthy of doing Intuitive Eating as I am. I learned that diet culture preaches that we need to keep chasing the smallest versions of ourselves. And, dare I say, that is not true health. 

Redefining Healthy

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My definition of health had to change. It wasn’t easy. I cannot tell you how much anxiety food brought me. I remember the last Thanksgiving dinner I had, back in 2019, when I was half marathon training and still counting macros. I didn’t use My Fitness Pal that day, but I felt such intense anxiety. I restricted what I ate throughout the day (despite having run a race Thanksgiving morning). And by dinner, I couldn’t stop myself from eating until I was physically ill. I remember my stomach being so distended from that dinner that I was having bad pains. I was so under fed that I binged on Thanksgiving food. And that was just one scenario. I used to think I never dealt with binge type behaviors, but I started to realize that even if I didn’t binge eat very often, the restriction made me try to fill myself up on chicken salads and low carb “ice creams” ( I put this in quotes because Halo Top is not true ice cream!). I was terrified of all sorts of food. Sugar, gluten, peanut butter, to name a few. I would go to bed with my stomach growling, force myself to “tough it out”, and then get up and go for a run or workout on an empty stomach. Oh and I was breastfeeding my youngest throughout this time. Needless to say, when I finally stopped restricting and discovered Intuitive Eating, I had an almost insatiable appetite. My dietitian encouraged me to keep honoring my hunger. As uncomfortable as it was, I allowed myself to eat when I was hungry. I allowed myself to buy real ice cream and eat some almost every night for a while. And a strange thing happened. One evening, I just didn’t want ice cream. In fact, I remember one night that I was wanting a snack and I thought about what I truly wanted to eat. I chose an apple. Then about three weeks later, I realized I had two tubs of ice cream I had bought and we hadn’t started eating them yet! I was no longer afraid to have ice cream in the house. In fact, I had forgotten I had it! That is what food freedom has done for me. 

Disclaimer: I don’t want that to be twisted to mean that I don’t eat ice cream anymore because I got the craving “in control”. What I mean to say is that by honoring my cravings, I normalized the idea of eating real ice cream. And now, I don’t feel out of control. I don’t feel like I can only buy the low sugar versions. I have made peace with ice cream. And since then I have made peace with so many other “fear” foods. 

The next step in my journey was dealing with my over-exercise problem. I am not here to blame going to the gym or running for all my problems. But I am here to say that there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Regular movement is a health promoting behavior, over-exercise is not. I was so underfed and exhausted from the heavy level of stress I put on my body that my hormones got all out of whack, my body was breaking down lean muscle tissue for fuel, I felt lethargic and weak, and my knees were bad. I am barely 30 and I was having trouble walking up and down the stairs! I had myself covered in KT tape almost all the time at one point. You might think that the quarantine gave me a great opportunity to take a break from exercise completely. However, I didn’t. 

Taking a break from exercise was the hardest part for me. I have very dear friends whom I work out and run with to this day. And I really didn’t want to miss out. I had bad FOMO ("fear of missing out"). My dietitian was so supportive and patient with me throughout the process. And my husband and close friends were also supportive in reminding me to let myself rest. Finally, about halfway through December, I took a break from high impact workouts and running. Part of the reason for this was that I was spending pretty much all my free time working on my yoga teacher certification. However, I believe that taking those couple months off from high intensity exercise and focusing on yoga really helped me to heal my body. It was hard because I missed the energy of going to the gym (socially distanced of course) or running with friends. It forced me to sit with discomfort. Yes, I gained some weight. But I feel so much better!

Toward the end of my yoga teacher training, I slowly added back in some running because I was just starting to feel like I needed a little more movement. But it was different this time, because I wasn’t forcing myself to move. I didn’t make myself run really fast. In fact, I have been way slower since I started back with it. But I feel better. My knees don’t hurt. I am okay to take rest days without anxiety. I just started going back to my gym and I love that I don’t feel a lot of pressure there to look a certain way, or to diet, or anything like that. No one has looked at me like I have two heads because I do intuitive eating and yet I like to lift heavy stuff. I am finding a balance. Instead of forcing myself to go work out every day (except Sunday),I listen to my body. Sometimes I may need multiple days off in a week. Other weeks I may feel like Wonder Woman and go lift all the things and go on runs. But I have the flexibility now to check in with myself and change it up if I need a break. And I have embraced yoga as a recovery strategy, not just physically, but mentally, as well.

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Learning to Be a Good Steward of My Body

Spiritually, I grew so much throughout this process of becoming an intuitive eater and mover. I told my dietitian once that I knew God wants me to be a good steward of my body. I had once believed the dieting and intense exercise was being a good steward. But I know now that it wasn’t. I believe that I needed to examine my motives. I was worshipping my body rather than being a good steward. That sounds harsh, but it was the truth. All my time and energy went into changing my body, and I lost focus on the things God wanted me to do. I was seeking validation everywhere except in the arms of my Father. I had to let Him hold me through the discomfort of giving up my idol of being the “fit mama” and embrace joy in His presence. Giving up all that obsession of dieting and how my body looked meant I had more time to enjoy the beauty of this life God has given me. I was able to go on vacation with my family and not stress about what I was eating. I was able to go on a girl’s beach trip and have an amazing time without worrying about gaining weight. I have learned to fit exercise into my life instead of scheduling the rest of my life around exercise. I made a couple of new friends who share my love of yoga and passion for Intuitive Eating and Joyful Movement. I ran a race with my son and coached him in his running program and it was all for FUN. FUN! Imagine that! Exercise can be FUN! 

I am truly beginning to embrace the idea that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I don’t need to live my life in fear of gaining weight. I definitely still care about health, but my definition of health has changed. It is a more holistic view that doesn’t just include physical, but mental, emotional, and spiritual health. 

There are several practical things I did after I started seeking help for my disordered eating. I stopped weighing myself. I stopped using My Fitness Pal. I unfollowed accounts on social media that were heavily focused on weight loss/physique.  I found new ways to de-stress other than just going for a run (that’s where the yoga comes in!). I found ways to interact with friends that were not only working out or running. I put effort into those friendships, outside of just the fitness sphere, and that was a huge part of having support throughout my journey. I joined a book club at my gym and made new friends and have read some great books! I started spending time journaling, and more time in prayer and meditation. These are all things that help me be healthy: having a solid faith, a strong marriage and family life, good friends to support me, hobbies that bring me joy, etc. Food and movement are still big parts of health for me, but they aren’t the center anymore. I put God back in the center. All of the work I did with my dietitian, all the support from my family and friends, my yoga journey, it all helped me make peace with food and exercise. But God was the one drawing me back to His arms, to His embrace, helping me understand that I don’t have to be the smallest version of me. I don’t have to live in fear of how people will view me. I am no longer a slave to fear, to counting calories, to the scale. I am a child of God. 

Thank you for reading along thus far. I know that was a lot. Like I said earlier, I still am a nutrition nerd and I love yoga, running, and lifting heavy things. But now, those are just aspects of my life instead of being the focus. What else did I gain as I physically gained weight? I gained a deeper spiritual walk with God. I gained a better relationship with my husband and kids. I developed even stronger friendships with my tribe, my people who stood by me in the worst of it all. I gained a new career path (hello, Embrace Joy Yoga :) ). And my physical health and strength have actually improved by eating intuitively and practicing joyful movement. 

I sometimes see pictures of the super “lean” version of myself, I miss that body just a little bit, and wonder if it was all worth it. Then I just take a step back and look at all the things I listed above and the version of me that I am now, and I tell myself:

“Yes, it was worth it”. 

Love and light,

Julia

Author’s Note: if you find yourself struggling with disordered eating or over-exercising (or both), please do not hesitate to reach out for support. You are not alone!!

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PhotoCredits: Main image Photoby AmandaJones on Unsplash

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